We use the word “friend” in our culture quite loosely. We have work friends, culture friends, hobby friends, neighbor friends, school friends but what defines a real, analog friend?
No matter what you believe about life, current events or the systems that have sustained us since we were born, things are changing. I’m sure you can feel it.
What I never expected though, is that relationships would change so drastically too. I’m 100% convinced it was social engineering that did that, but that’s a topic for another post.
With all the talk about truth; “real truth, my truth and subjected truth” there seems to be very little actual truth left.
What I’ve observed is that in the past fifteen years since social media came on the scene, we have become less social, more performative. We’ve become great at shouting what we believe is wrong, and doing less of what is right.
Instead of sharing with our hearts, we look around (both ways) to see what everyone else is doing. We read headlines, make assumptions and seek a gold star of approval for going along with the crowd.
Instead of talking, we text. Instead of living, we curate. Instead of being honest with each other, we gaslight.
I think our current tech gives people a false sense of closeness because they can so easily reach out to people anytime. The problem is, they get distracted and don’t. Or, the recipient feels like they can respond at a more convenient time, but they don’t. they feel bad and decide they waited to long and “I’ll catch them next time” but they don’t and the cycle continues.
I don’t know about you, but it seems that the concept of real friendship has all but vanished in this decade and rather than address it, we hide.
Have we forgotten how to effectively communicate?
By identifying what a true friend is, you can determine which category they belong in and proceed accordingly.
I think what messes us up, is when we view someone as a true friend and it turns out they were a situational friend; the fast food of friendships.
Very few of us do this consciously right at the start of a friendship.
When you have a tight bond or closeness at the beginning of a friendship and then it just disappears, you might wonder, what happened?
How do you revive a friendship that seems to be dying on the vine?
Friendships are a vital part of our well being and become more important as we age.
They must be nurtured, like a garden if you expect them to thrive. They also need to be cultivated and weeded from time to time. Sometimes they may need to be transplanted altogether.
We are collectively suffering from PTSD and I think we’re ALL a bit exhausted and that makes friendship one more thing to have to deal with.
At my age, I figure I have about thirty good years in me. Time is now the most valuable resource I have and I want every single moment to count.
Definition of an analog friend:
1. The ability to give wise counsel
2. The ability to accept growth and change in another person without it effecting the friendship
3. The ability to keep secrets and have discretion
4. The ability to agree to disagree (and not take things personally)
5. The ability to love and support
6. The ability to have fun while sitting on a couch with zero distractions (i.e. a phone in your hand)
7. The ability to not trauma dump on them
8. The ability to respect boundaries (financial, emotional)
9. The ability to show up when needed
10. The ability to communicate when something needs said (vs. Gaslighting)
Recently, I’ve had to weed my own garden and it’s very awkward and not at all a pleasant feeling. It would have been much easier to just not say anything. I chose to address the changes I was noticing.
I immediately felt lighter, and although the friendship permanently ended, I harbor no ill feelings and will always speak fondly of my former friend. Why wouldn’t I? We shared some of the greatest times in my life.
I sat down and wrote out how I was feeling. I then got to thinking of all my friends, scattered all over the globe. This could really apply to them all. It’s the quiet part that nobody says out loud.
Hello Friend,
It’s been awhile and I felt I need to check in with you. The best way I find to address something is through a letter. This way, you can hold it, linger a bit and go back to it.
Truth is, I miss you.
Things haven’t been the same for a while. I can’t put my finger on it, but I feel as though we aren’t operating on all cylinders. Before anymore awkward time passes, I thought I’d check in and let you know how I’m feeling.
Lately my attention is diverted, my life is expensive and my view of reality has been permanently skewed.
I am aware of how crazy and confusing the world is at the moment, but I’m just choosing not to engage in it. Your friendship matters more to me than any opinion you may hold of world events. I don’t do small talk, but I also can’t talk about what’s happening in the world right now (too depressing).
Likewise, I’m not a banker, lawyer, politician, pastor or therapist. Any issues relating to those professions is above my pay grade. If I have offended you in some way, or you are going through something privately, just let me know because I am also not a mind reader.
What I can do is make you laugh and lighten your load, if only for a moment.
I love the part of you that’s fun, vibrant and playful, because it provides a life raft for me in this world. Your laughter is like fuel for me.
A friendship cannot be sustained on a meme or text emoji alone. Let’s make it a point to give each other the very best of each other. Tell me what you’re excited about, what you’re working on, where you’re going. In other words, tell me something good.
If we have been close enough at one point to share intimate moments of our lives with each other, don’t we at least owe each other an explanation if something has changed?
I welcome a heart-to-heart conversation with you.
I’m here, I’m human and I’m not going anywhere.
Love,
Me
Maybe the future doesn’t need more followers, notifications or curated perfection. Maybe it simply needs more people willing to become a safe place for someone else.
A real friend.
An analog friend.